I’m that “guy” that soccer aficionados spout elitist rhetoric about while dismissing as an “intellectual midget” and a “mindless brute."

Yes, it is that time again. The “FIFA World Cup."

Every four years, I try to stomach the publicity about the “worlds game." I try to swallow the endless bile churning inside me while reading the endless columns from Christine Brennan-like writers who tell me that I will be overcome with emotions by the pageantry and beauty of “futbal." The overwhelming amount of fluff piece journalism in every newspaper and magazine highlighting USA head coach Bruce Arena and the American team nauseates me.

I’ll take a little credit.

Every four years, I try. Even this year, I sat through most of the USA-Italy matchup, which was an exhilarating 1-1 tie with the American goal coming from an amateurish Italian who put the “biscuit in the wrong basket."

Not.

Let’s face it. Soccer is excruciatingly boring.

Here’s some advice for the American men’s soccer team: “Feel free to show up.”

Four shots on goal in three games from the world’s fifth-ranked team. Four! FOUR! The cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” or “American Idol” could have put four shots on goal against Ghana. I hear that Simon Cowell is a helluva player especially after he watches “Bend It Like Beckam” every Saturday morning.

Could America have done any worse if we rolled out a starting 11 of Reggie Bush, LaDainian Tomlinson, Steve Smith, Chad Johnson, Jevon Kearse, Zach Thomas, Ray Lewis, Shawne Merriman, Dante Hall, Tiki Barber and with Randy Moss in goal?

I don’t want to hear any thing more about Landon Donovan. I want to hear about Donovan McNabb. No more DeMarcus Beasley, only Fred Beasley. If I hear the name “Johnson”, the first name better be Keyshawn, Derrick, Eric, Andre, Bethel, Bryant, or even Rudi. Absolutely no “Eddie."

Enough already with the wrong kind of “futbul”, bring on real football. Fantasy football.

In honor of the United States Men’s Soccer team soiling our red, white and blue reputation overseas, I give the “Top Players to pull a DeMarcus Beasley and ‘Gack it Up’ in 2005."

Avoid these players in this year’s opening rounds of you fantasy league draft. They might just make four shots on goal look extraordinary.

QB Jake Plummer, Denver – “No Mistake Jake” did his best “Claudio Reyna” impersonation in the playoffs last season passing for just 420 yards and two touchdowns with three interceptions and completing less than sixty percent of his passes. This came after a regular season in which Plummer had a quarterback rating of 90.2 and had gone 11 of his last 14 games without throwing an interception. Plummer has been proven to have a fragile psyche and the selection by Mike Shanahan of Vanderbilt quarterback Jay Cutler adds to the pressure on Plummer. The Denver running game is in a bit of flux as well as Mike Anderson departed for Baltimore with his 1,014 yards and 12 touchdowns. Tatum Bell did well as the “change of pace” back last year but many people within the Bronco organization believe that Bell isn’t an every-down back. That would leave Ron Dayne toting the load, which doesn’t bode well for Plummer and fantasy league owners.

QB Steve McNair, Baltimore – There are no greater warriors at the quarterback position than McNair and the Packers Brett Favre. However, the biggest difference between the former Oiler/Titan and the Green Bay Hall of Famer is game time on the field. Favre hasn’t missed a start since “Beverly Hills 90210” went off the air. Meanwhile, McNair has missed 12 starts in the last three seasons and hasn’t started every regular season game since 2002. The Ravens are also getting a bit ancient on the offensive line including future Hall of Famer Jonathan Ogden. Did you see Colts defensive end Dwight Freeney turn Ogden into a revolving door the last two years. McNair has thrown for more 20+ touchdowns just three times during his 11-year career with a career-high of 24 coming three seasons ago. Fantasy league owners used to depend on McNair racking up rushing yards and touchdowns but the former first-round pick last rushed for more than 150 yards in a season in 2002 and hasn’t scored more than a touchdown rushing in each of the last two seasons.

RB Thomas Jones, Chicago – One man will stop Jones this season … Bears General Manager Jerry Angelo. It won’t be Jones’ fault, the former Cardinal and Buccaneer has rushed for 2,283 yards and 16 touchdowns since joining the Bears two seasons ago. His pass receiving skills have made him one of the best every-down backs in the league while catching 82 passes for 580 yards and five touchdowns while in a Chicago uniform. But, Thomas wasn’t selected as the fourth pick in the 2005 NFL Draft. And Thomas wasn’t selected by Jerry Angelo. Angelo has made a big investment in Benson, the 6-2, 220-pound feature back from the University of Texas, when the Bears could have selected running back Carnell Williams (5th pick) who rushed for 1,178 yards as a rookie, Shawne Merriman (12th pick) who was the Defensive Rookie of the Year, or Derrick Johnson (15th pick) who racked up 95 tackles for the Chiefs. Benson will be given every opportunity and favoritism to be the Bears starting running back in the upcoming season.

RB Willie Parker, Pittsburgh – Willie Parker has an electrifying first year as a starter rushing for 1,202 yards and four touchdowns while averaging 4.7 yards-per-carry. Parker put an exclamation point on his season with a Super Bowl record 75-yard touchdown jaunt versus the Seahawks. But there are lingering doubts within the Pittsburgh organization if Parker can be a complete running back especially around the goal line. Jerome Bettis and his 38 rushing touchdowns over the past four seasons have left for a bowling alley and retirement. Bill Cowher has not been too subtle in the fact he expects Duce Staley to return to health and pick up the load during the times required for Steeler “Power Football." Parker’s 4.7 yards-per-carry are impressive but in 10 of the 18 regular and postseason games that Parker played, he averaged less than 4.0 yards-per-carry. Steeler football is all about consistency and Parker has not displayed that characteristic as of yet.

WR Marvin Harrison, Indianapolis – Harrison enters his 11th season as one of the most prolific pass catchers in National Football League history. The former first round pick from Syracuse has caught 927 for 12,331 yards and 110 touchdowns. By comparison, Jerry Rice had caught 820 passes for 13,275 yards and 131 touchdowns. But unlike Rice who was trending upward in catches after his 10th season, Harrison has been on a downward trend as evidenced by the graph below.



In fact, Rice caught a combined 230 passes in Year #11 and #12. Rice rarely had competition from a #2 receiver the way that Harrison has had the past three seasons. Sixth-year wideout Reggie Wayne has increased his catches each of the last three seasons from 68 to 77 to 83 in 2005 while Harrison’s opportunities have dropped from 94 to 86 to 82 after catching an NFL season record 145 passes in 2002. Harrison will continue to be a productive fantasy league player but he won’t be "elite" any longer.