Joe Hawlik's Blog: Grinding Out the Yards

A bunch of us guys would meet up with a gaggle of girls at Whiteoaks Park on Saturday afternoon. We’d choose up sides –you’d make sure the girl you liked was on the other team so that you could tackle her—and we’d run around, chasing each other, and who cared where the ball was? To be brought down by three girls – not exactly looking like the three to the right, but they were fine with us - while falling on a pile of leaves is an experience that every man should have in his athletic career.

Apparently, this concept is the basis for the upstart Lingerie Football League, which opened up for play this fall, with, yes, ten teams. The origins of the LFL date back to the 2004 Super Bowl, when a contest at halftime was counter-programmed against the sanitized concert acts that the NFL likes to roll out, which are reminiscent of the painfully dorky Ed Sullivan performances of an Elvis or Dylan in the day, and almost as unwatchable. Creative thinking, we say.

Not to be (totally) insensitive, but what guy really wants to watch collegiate women’s softball or the WNBA? It’s not even like suffering through a lame Jennifer Aniston dramedy date night, because the kind of girl you’re with isn’t necessarily the kind of girl attracted to the kind of action you’ll find under the rim with the WNBA. What’s the point for us guys?

Much like the NFL playing in venues such as London for a test-drive, the powers-that-be have decided that we are now ready to follow the drama of the San Diego Seduction over a twenty “game” season, which presumably takes us football fanatics neatly up to the NFL Draft party. Who needs to hire pole dancers for stag parties when the Los Angeles Temptation is in town?


FUN THINGS HAPPEN WHEN NFL CLUBS THROW A LOT

Who hasn’t wondered what it would be like to watch NFL cheerleaders “battle” for gridiron supremacy?

Sometimes you have to think outside the box, and the LFL certainly attempts that, which is a good thing. Former NFL HC Dave Wannstadt said on the radio recently that statistics historically show that you win more games with 100-yards-per-game rushers than you do with 300-yards-per game passers, and it’s a good thing that he’s coaching in the college ranks instead of the NFL because that approach is so lame. And you’ll see, actually unsuccessful in today’s NFL.

Moreover, you can ask media execs which NFL game they’d rather have on in primetime, last week’s Patriots versus Colts Sunday night, or this week’s Dolphins versus Panthers Thursday night, and you’ll have your answer by looking at the clubs’ passing attacks. Much like the LFL versus Title IX, it’s now about curb appeal.

Clubs such as the Dolphins, Panthers, Falcons, and Giants, division leaders all just a year ago, roll out one, and sometimes two, 100-yard rushers per game, but this year they are struggling. They lack the passer that can make the big play, and it’s unsatisfying to watch them for three hours.

In looking at those clubs that have the most passes thrown against them so far this season, you’ll find five current division leaders in the top seven:

1. Titans
2. Cardinals
3. Colts
4. 49ers
5. Saints
6. Bengals
7. Vikings

Yes, successful clubs often force opponents to play catch up in the 4th quarter, but that 300-yard garbage-time passer that Wannstadt implies in his justification for ball-control is out-dated:

The clubs bolded are also in the top-ten list of clubs that give up the greatest number of big pass plays (20+ yards), and it suggests that opponents are countering the ball-control tendencies of the Titans, 49ers and Bengals by intently gouging them with the pass. Forcing the issue, if you will. Come playoff time, these conservative clubs will get beat by those that can hit the big play against them.

Interestingly, the most prolific passing clubs, and not coincidently the last two unbeaten clubs, the Colts and Saints, are arguably unbeaten in part because they are not giving up the big pass play, even though clubs are throwing a lot against them. The Vikings, by the way, are now getting back their premier cornerback from injury for the stretch run. Look out, you Favre loathers.

By accident or design, the NFL is exposing the game-manager QB approach to offense, and the clubs that will be successful must stay on the big play trend curve. What’s exciting is that the stars are aligning for entertaining shoot outs to come, as the more successful clubs can also pass, forcing opponents to keep up with the fireworks.


BEATING UP ON THE WEAK SISTERS

As in anything football, it’s all about the match ups.

In the LFL, the age-old tactic of taking away the best playmaker on the field is reportedly in the form of ripping off her uniform. In the NFL, the age-old tactic of finding the weak link in the defense and exploiting it has gone straight to 4G, and the sacred parity that the NFL has hot-wired into the league for so long has gone straight to h%$#.

We ranked the worst-performing clubs so far this season in terms of record, six by our count, and sorted by scoring against, and it’s clear that there are not many more 2G-Wannstadts left in the league, playing the field position game and willing to decide the game in the 4th quarter. Losing clubs are being gouged by the big pass play and giving up a ton of passing TDs, in 3-D HD:

Club/40+ pass plays against/Pass TDs against
1. Lions (1-8)/ 3rd worst/ 20
2. Bucs (1-8)/ 2nd worst/ 23
3. Rams (1-8)/ 13th worst/ 13
4. Browns (1-8)/ 7th worst/ 10
5. Raiders (2-7)/ 5th worst/ 8
6. Chiefs (2-7)/ 1st worst/ 14

All involve clubs with new regimes re-building rosters, but there are no Falcons or Dolphins success stories this year. Opponents are not interested in having these clubs hanging in into the 4th quarter, and with these struggling clubs focusing on building new lines and breaking in new QBs (bolded), opponents are mercilessly exploiting secondaries that haven’t been addressed yet, early and often.

The Ed Sullivan Show spawned the American Bandstand movement. Youngsters wanted their own venue, and watch pretty girls dance. Of course, the jury’s still out on whether the world is ready for the LFL. But in our view, the Next-Generation of NFL fans will want the scintillating action of the big play on their iPhones.

Unfortunately, the Generation-X cadre of NFL coaches, many of whom are re-building the weak sisters, may not have the luxury of time if they cannot see the new reality. The Rams, Browns and Raiders better get off the stick and get that new gunslinger QB, in hyper-drive fashion.